I have NO way to get to and from work.  I'm bumming rides.  I feel terrible.  My mom's being completely selfish and unreasonable about the whole situation.



On a better note, 
I am absolutely, completely, 100% sure that things are looking up in my relationship (or whatever it is).  May 5th (for the second year in a row, I will be with Marlin =].  He's informed me that he has plans for my birthday that I will LOOOVE. I've gotten hints.  You cannot buy it in a store and this part didn't cost any money.

My guess: a lapdance.

I mean come on. What else could it be?

These last two days have gone really well.
I cannot wait to go.
Prom is going to be amazing.

Too bad it's not CHS' because I won't get to see everyone.

But you poor, helpless souls will probably be there for quit sometime following highschool.
HA, that was a joke. Kind of.

Anyways..

I'm excited. Too bad I messed up and am not getting a ring anytime soon.
I'm in no hurry though. We need to work out the kinks.

Sincerely Sham

I suppose I will fancy this thing up when I find the time.  Things are a little crazy.  Last night was pretty much the most emotionally distressing night of my life.  Thank goodness I work a night shift tonight.  My first night closing as shiftleader. EEK!.  I'm supposed to go to Texas for prom on May 5th. ((Happy Bday Hannah Claire)). I'm quit uncertain if that is still the plan.  It's stressful.  Back and forth.  Kristi Erickson, my moral support system at the moment, last night, informed me that she "really hope everything settles down because she's looking forward to me being a part of the family." =]. I thought that was awful nice.  This morning was the first morning I have ever awaken depressed.  The second I opened my eyes..I thought about the previous night. GAH. 

On a good note, I love love love love love Missouri, for the most part.

I live in the middle of the country with my moms b/f and his two daughters.

I CAN LISTEN TO THE RADIO AS LOUD AS I WANT!!! WHOOOO!.

I'm going to Missouri Southern this summer. (2 Classes). Probably Spanish and a Buisness class.
Then in the fall I'm going to the University of Houston!

OHHH, && I am a finalist for an internship at a photography studio in Houston!!

Sorry this was so long.

BLLEH.

Sincerely Sham

I've very recently come to some realizations that tore away at my emotions, broke me down, and completely changed how I plan to go about things in my life from this point forward.  Although my problems are very petty compared to many other people's, I have a very strange way of thinking, coping, and percieving things.  I turn every little problem into something overly dramatic, which tends to cause a big mess of things and usually results in an unhappy ending such as crying.  I am a pretty young person completely lacking in life experiences and lessons learned.  When I turned to a friend, one whom I have not known for an extended period of time, for advice,  I was told to some extent these words.."Shamera, there are two realities, the reality that is and the reality that affects you." It was explained to me somewhat like this.  I have an adaptive persnoality.  I am not the same Shamera around my mother as I am around Marlin.  I am not the same Shamera around friends as I am around my boss.  I was asked "If the world ended right now..would you be satisfied with who you are and what you did?" Of course not.  No way.  I am/was a dramatic bitch, a crybaby.  I over exaggerated.  I drove people away.  I was selfish.  I stopped caring.  The other day my mother complimented me on the person I was becoming.."Shamera, I can't believe how well you handled that, I expected you to flip..but you found a way around it..I was really impressed."  It shocked my mother that I acted, well, normal.  As terrible as that sounds, it's true!  I have taken a lot for granted in my mere seventeen years of existence.  I am completely unsatisfied with my life to this point.  If the world ends right now I want to be able to take a deep breath and think "Damn, that was a good life."  Not only have I completely driven myself into the ground, I have also brought people down with me.  I have, for the most part, driven away the peope closest to me.  I have realized that I am exactly like those people I look at and think "Wow, who are they to think they can walk on water, who are they to think they're untouchable?"  That is me, that was me.  As cruel of a realization as it is, it is too late to fix some of the damage.  It is too late for a lot of things. But for some things, time is my friend. I've got all the time in the world.  I have promised myself over and over again that I will change who I am, how I think, my actions, but those promises have continued to mostly be empty.  Today is the day that I change that.  Today is the day that I live for the moment, and be young while I can.  Today, my friends, is the day that I find myself..the day that I find the self that matters most, the one that is the best representation of who I would like "Shamera" to be.  I choose how my reality affects me.  I want my world to be the same no matter what time of day, who I'm with, or what has recently happend to me.  I want to be consistent.  I want people to be confident in me and who I am.  I want to be able to continue on in life with the same mindset no matter what happens.  I want to be happy with myself, who I am, and who I turn out to be.  "If we took the next generation and taught them that instead of World War II occuring that something else took place it would not change their world, it would not matter."  I am the author of my own life, I write my own book.  My biggest step was moving.  I gave up a great highschool career, with the potential for a lot of scholarship money, to come to Missouri and get my GED.  I felt so much regret; however, I have never been so happy.  I took a risk and coninued on.  That is how I want to live my life.  I do not want other people's opinions to matter.  I do not want other people to shape who I am or what I do.  I am Shamera Kay Hall and I am my own person.  Today is the day that I meet myself for the first time.  Today is the day I rid of all those selves I hate.  Today is the day that it doesn't matter what color the sky is. It doesn't matter, because in my reality my sky can be whatever color I'd like. And today, well, today my sky is neon green, but tomorrow, tomorrow perhaps there won't be a sky at all.

11:01 AM
April 12, 2007

Current Mood: contemplative